If a family member has cancer, children often sense that something is wrong and can understand when others are acting differently around them. Children often overhear conversations. If they think something important is being kept from them, they might feel confused and afraid. As a parent or guardian, you may want to protect your children from distressing news, such as cancer. However, avoiding the topic may confuse children and make them fear a worst-case situation.

It is important to remember that children share information with each other. The whole family, including your siblings and parents, should work together to decide what and how much to tell the children about a family member’s cancer diagnosis. This can help avoid confusing or misleading information being passed among the children.

Tips for Talking with Your Children:

As you talk with your children, listen to their concerns and answer their questions to the best of your ability. Here are some tips to help talk with your children about cancer:

• Use the term “cancer”. It gives your children specific information and reduces confusion and misunderstanding, particularly if they overhear you using the word with others.

• Use age-appropriate language. Younger children need simple explanations. For older children, a more detailed explanation helps reduce feelings of helplessness and fear.

  • Children of different ages will understand a cancer diagnosis differently. The American Cancer Society has tips on how to explain cancer to children of different ages. https://www.cancer.org/cancer/caregivers/helping-children-when-a-family-member-has-cancer/dealing-with-treatment/intro.html

• Reassure them that cancer is not contagious.

• Let them know it is OK for them to have many different feelings. Explain that you have many of those same feelings, too.

• Be honest and open with your children when answering questions. It is OK to say, “I don’t know.”

• Try to keep your children’s routines as consistent as possible, but prepare them for the things that will change.

• Help your children stay involved in after school activities and sports and keep them in contact with friends. Remind them that it’s OK to still have fun.

• Provide opportunities for your children to help you so that they feel needed, valued, and helpful. However, don’t burden them with more responsibilities than they can handle.

• Consider joining a support group for families or attending family counseling/therapy.

• Consider practicing the conversation with a trusted loved one who can give you feedback on your tone and choice of words. You will want to be as calm as possible while talking to children about a cancer diagnosis.

• Prepare your children for possible physical changes, such as hair or weight loss, before they happen.

• Explain that, although sometimes you deal with side effects of treatment, it is ultimately working to help you get better and healthy again.

• Let your children know that they are free to ask questions.

• If you have an age gap between your children, for example a difference of 4 or 5 years, it might be easier to explain your diagnosis one-on-one so that you can tailor the conversation based on their age.

• Young children and teenagers can carry feelings of sadness or anger with them over the diagnosis, remind them to express their feelings in healthy ways, such as writing or drawing.

• It is a good idea to let your children’s teachers know what you are going through—especially for younger children. The teachers may be able to help the children cope if they spend most of the day at school.

• Finally, just as your children depend on you, you can depend on them, too. They can be, and probably want to be, a source of support for you. They will want to listen to you, hug you, kiss you and spend time with you. Let them.

• Encourage your whole family to talk with each other, so there is no confusion among the children in the family.

Sources:

American Cancer Society, 2022. Telling a Child Someone They Love Has Cancer.

American Society of Clinical Oncology, 2019. Talking with Your Children About Cancer.