• Practice active listening. Active listening means you concentrate on understanding what your partner is saying, rather than thinking about what to say next. For example, restate what your partner said in your own words. Then, ask for feedback to make sure you understand your partner’s point of view.

• Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling, or what your partner will say next. Ask questions if something is unclear.

• Use “I” statements to describe your feelings rather than blaming your partner. This helps you point out why what you’re saying is important to you. For example, it is more helpful to say “I felt sad when you didn’t go to the doctor’s appointment with me” than to say “You didn’t even come to the doctor’s appointment with me.” In this way, it is less likely to put the other person on the defensive and start an argument with a blaming statement.

• Be specific and clear. For example, “hurt” could mean either sad or disappointed. It is more effective to make a request than to blame or shame your partner. For example, instead of saying “You don’t help me around the house,” be more specific. Instead of saying “You never help me,” say “After I cook dinner, can you please help me clean the kitchen?”

• If you become angry or emotional, slow down. Taking a deep breath or leaving the room can be more helpful than forcing yourself to continue having a conversation when you are angry or emotional. Instead, wait until you are calmer.

• Take your time. One of the pitfalls of any difficult conversation is to rush. Take time to decide what you want to say, and give your partner time as well.

• Focus on one topic at a time. Avoid bringing up other topics or old arguments.

• Take turns talking. Make it a rule not to interrupt each other.

• Avoid criticism, sarcasm, name-calling, and insults.

• Don’t expect to resolve difficult topics in one conversation. Take your time working things out and agree to continue talking about the subject at another time.

• Consider practicing what you want to say or writing notes for yourself if you have something difficult to share. This may help you prioritize your values and identify your biggest worries.

• Talk about the ways you each cope with stress to identify whether you have differing needs in conversation. For example, one partner may view cancer as a problem to be solved, while the other needs emotional support and validation. Understand that both of these responses have value.

• Talk honestly about your feelings, both positive and negative. Emotions such as anger, fear, frustration, and resentment are normal reactions to cancer. Couples often don’t discuss these emotions because they fear upsetting each other or feel guilty for having negative thoughts. Hiding feelings creates distance between partners and prevents them from supporting and comforting each other. On the other hand, hearing that your partner feels guilt or sadness may also be very difficult to bear.

• Talk about differences in the way you feel and respect one another’s feelings. For example, at times, one of you may feel afraid while the other feels hopeful.

• Tell your partner the specific type of support you need. Maybe one day you need emotional support, but another day you need some quiet time alone.

• Sometimes, it may be helpful for both of you to talk with a neutral person who may be able to help work through different points of view.

• Don’t be afraid to laugh. Humor may help you and your partner to cope. Laughing together can be important for connection and stress relief.

Sources:

American Society of Clinical Oncology, 2022. Talking With Your Spouse or Partner About Cancer.